Burned

Lately it feels like all I’ve been doing is burning one way or another.

Burned with rage: At my BF’s ex and her constant manipulations and animosity.  I don’t fully understand why she hates me, and I wish she could understand the harm it is causing to everyone, herself included.

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

Harry Emerson Fosdick

Burned bridges: The Ex burned the bridge between us, and after my initial anger, I felt relief.  I could really step away from her for the first time in two years.

Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge.

Don Henley

Been burnt out: I’ve felt very disconnected from my spiritual self lately, which dramatically lowers my energy and patience levels.

Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life.

Buddha

Burned up and been reborn:  My relationship.  For the first time my BF has stepped up, he has been the strong confident one this time, the optimist.  Through everything that has gone to crap the past week, he has really been there, and our relationship has changed for the better.  He reminded me that as a couple we are more than the sum of our parts, and that when we work together, we are stronger than anything.

Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus.

Alexander Graham Bell

Now I have one more thing left to burn, the negative feelings I have left, so I can make room for the future.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

Kenji Miyazawa

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts - Burned

A guilt free recipe

My childhood comfort food was macaroni with a can of diced tomatoes.  Lately I have been trying to make better choices, especially when it comes to white bread products.  I love my bread, and pasta, and cake.  I stumbled on this recipe out of sheer laziness, but it is now my new comfort food, and it definitely fills you up. 

Quinoa and tomatoes (serves 2)

Ingredients

½ cup dry rinsed organic quinoa

½ cup water

1 793ml can dices tomatoes (I personally go for the low or no sodium option)

Directions

Place all ingredients in a rice cooker and stir.

Turn on rice cooker

Wait for rice cooker to « pop »

Eat yummy food

Calories – 240

Protein – 9.2g

Carbs – 47.6g

Fat – 3.3g

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts - Let’s get healthy…share a guilt free meal you enjoy.

Conspiracy theories...part two

Continued from Monday’s post 

We weren’t in the car 5 minutes when my BF’s cell phone rang.  I heard her voice, but I was driving so I tried not to pay attention.  He wasn’t saying much, but what could he say with the kids right there. All I kept thinking was “please don’t let her be telling him to bring the kids back”.  He hung up, obviously distressed, I asked him if everything was ok, he said no.  I asked him in English if we had to bring back the kids, he said no.  This was about all he said until we got home. 

He asked me what happened between me and her, I told him.  He told me that she told him she never wants to have anything to do with me and that if she saw me on her property she would call the police.  I was in shock, I knew she was crazy and had a tendency to overreact, but this was new.  I went to check on the kids, when I got back, he was sitting in a chair in the dark living room.  I asked him if he was mad at me, he said he didn’t know what to think.  I got furious.  I was only defending him and his rights, and he might be mad at me!  How dare he!  We didn’t speak to each other that night.

The next morning, when he woke me up because he was leaving for SS2’s hockey practice, I told him I loved him, we hugged, and he said he loved me too, and left.  When he came back, he was alone.  Apparently she had showed up at the practice and had gone into the changing room with SS2 after.  When SS2 came out, he had a donut and said he wanted to go home with his mom.  My BF, holding to our rule of not manipulating the kids and letting them express themselves freely, agreed.  When he got into his car, she came up to him.  According to him he really laid into her, and then drove away, exactly as I had.  We sat together and talked it out.  I told him that her reaction essentially meant that it would be up to him for the next while to fight for us, our family.  Unfortunately I am not a genetic parent, and therefore have no rights, and she can bar me from her home.  I told him that if she wanted to continue this level of hostility I did not want her in my home either, and he agreed that we would make our home an EX free zone as much as we could.  I told him that I was confident that he was ready to take up the baton and stand up for himself, and us.  He replied that while he was less confident in his abilities, he was ready to give it all he has.  As with everything, we would face this together.

Not long after, the phone rang, it was her, SS2 wanted to come back.  My BF told her to meet him at the swimming lesson to drop him off.  The rest of the weekend went great, the kids were happy, fun was had by all.  Sunday afternoon the kids were playing outside, and we were inside, watching them from the window.  My BF gave me a hug and said we can do this, together we are stronger than her.  I think it was the most optimistic thing I have ever heard him say, and I believe him.

Conspiracy theories

I know I’ve been MIA for a little while, but there has been an epic shift in our family dynamic.  Last week the ex started anew with her manipulation efforts.  This weekend was our weekend with the kids, and we had a bunch of stuff planned.  Monday night she calls to say that she wants the kids on Saturday for a birthday party.  We said no because we were already going to a party in another city this weekend, and we had already made the plans.  Needless to say, she wasn’t happy about not getting her way; she started going on about how was she supposed to explain it to the kids etc.  I said easy, give the phone to the oldest and I would do the explaining.  Eventually, she gave him the phone, and I barely had time to tell him our plans before he was excited.  He gave the phone back, and I said that he didn’t seem upset, and that I considered the matter closed.

After that, all this week my BF had been stressing, worried about whether she would make trouble, or worse, not be there when we go to pick up the kids.  Friday comes along, and we head to her new place, as she has moved, again.  When we got there, she was playing a ninja video game with the kids.  This from the woman who reamed us out for having similar games at our house and here she was, playing one with them.  I told her that I felt it was hypocrisy on her part, and that I didn’t want to hear any more judgement on her part for our home and what we allow.  The kids then wanted to show me their rooms, and honestly, I wanted to see.  She doesn’t have the best track record, at one point the kids were in a basement with a cement floor and 2x4s for walls.

I started in my stepdaughter’s room, and was not surprised.  No sheets on the bed, an old couch, and some toys that had spent over a year outside at the other place, now inside, but apparently not washed.  Then on to the boys.  Her whole argument for moving was to have the boys in separate rooms after the incidents during the past year.  She wanted to separate them and have better supervision.  The boys were in newly built rooms, with no doors, and no flooring.  She had put foam mats on the cement, which help with the hard floor, but do nothing for the humidity or insulation.  I turned around and saw a door to outside.  So the boys were now alone, in the basement (so no supervision) with easy access to outside without her knowing.  I think my dismay was pretty apparent on my face.  I asked her if the boys would be getting floors or doors soon, and she said that she didn’t have money for that.  I said nothing les and went upstairs.  My BF was at the door, and we got ready to go.  My BF went to get the kids in the car and I stayed to ask her one last question, had the swimming lessons been paid, because we had been approached by the instructor and it was embarrassing, and we didn’t want to repeat that experience.  She said that it was paid, but that she didn’t have a confirmation.  She then started trying to defend her playing the game and I said that I didn’t want to get into it.  Since her defence wasn’t working, she went on the offence, attacking us, and my BF saying that he never took care of the kids etc., and how I know nothing because I’ve barely been around for a year.  I told her that I’ve been around for over two years now, and that my BF takes very good care of the kids.  She then let her crazy out and said that my BF doesn’t care about the kids; it’s that my MIL and I are using him to conspire to take the kids away for ourselves.  I was taken aback; I mean what do you even say to that level of crazy.  I told her she was paranoid, that I was not trying to steal her children and that I was not going to continue this conversation.  I turned, got in the car, and pulled away while she stood, fuming, in her doorway.

This isn’t the end of the story, I’ll continue this a little later this week when I’ve had time to get my thoughts in order.

New logo

So, I decided to change my avatar/Blog logo.  Part of it was because Every time I looked at the old one I felt like it was half assed, I made it at the very start of this blog, before I really knew what kind of blog it was going to become.  The other more recent reason is that my godson showed me that at the Marvel Comics website you can create your own superhero, so of course I had to try it. 

This one feels much more « right », and according to the BF, it’s what I look like in his comic/video game fantasies lol.

Desperately wanting

Throughout high school, Desperately wanting by Better than Ezra was my favorite song, without a doubt. 

The lyrics:

Past the road to your house
That you never called home
Where they turned out your lights
Though they say you'll never know

I remember running through the wet grass
And falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

When they pumped out your guts
And filled you full of those pills
You were never quite right
Deserving all the chills
They say the worst is over
Kicked it over and ran
Then they ask what went wrong
When they turn you on again
They turn you on again.

[Chorus:]
Kick them right in the face
Make them wish they weren't born
And if they bring up your name
Well they'll say you won the war.
Baby burst in the world
Never given a chance
Then they ask what went wrong
When you never had it right

Oh the letters have dropped off
Though they say you got them all
I finally figured out some things you'll never know.
Take back your life and let me inside
We'll find the door if you care to anymore.

I remember running through the wet grass
and falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately Wanting.  

As a teen I struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.  I didn’t understand at the time that I have a long line of undiagnosed mental illness in my family, and that even if my home situation had been ideal I would still more than likely had to deal with mental illness.  Add in that my home situation was far from ideal, with my mother having her own undiagnosed mental illness, as well as addiction etc., and we have a perfect storm.

I remember feeling so out of control, as if my own mind were my enemy and not understanding why I reacted this or that way, why I felt this or that way.  Between the teenage hormones, the difficult home situation, and the persistent negative thoughts, it was a daily emotional rollercoaster and I just wanted off.  The most infuriating thing was when I would confide in people about what was going on in my head and they would say « don’t think like that » as if I could just flip a switch, as if I had a choice in the matter.  When your own mind seems to be working against you the only solutions seem to be mind-altering substances, or suicide.

This song spoke to me.  A house I never called home, the people asking what went wrong, as in why I thought the way I did, and the feeling of never being quite right.  When I was 15, a friend of mine committed suicide, and I was so angry at him for leaving me.  This song reminded me that there were people in my life that wanted me to fight, who believed I could win the war, and would feel the way I felt about him if I left.  It became my battle cry, the voice of my support network when they weren’t there.  I still lost a few of the battles, I still tried to leave a few times, but I survived.

I still love this song, and it speaks to me even more now, because I understand now that I didn’t have a chance at being mentally healthy, it was beyond my control then.  Now, the worst is over (I think) and I’ve taken control with the help of medication and therapy.  The battles are few and far between, thought the war isn’t over, it never will be for me, and I accept that.  I took back my life, and this song reminds me now that I did survive, and I can continue to do so.  I just have to keep running through the wet grass, never tiring, and desperately wanting to live.

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts - When you were in high school what was your favorite song? What did it mean to you then and what does it mean to you now?

Cat shenanigans

Last night’s events from my point of view.

9:30 PM – Have a hot bath, give myself a manicure

10:00 PM – Go to bed, fall asleep immediately (which if you know me is pretty rare)

Sometime during the night – Cat2 gets into bed and snuggles and purrs, I half-awake pet her for a while, then fall back to sleep.  I am vaguely aware of her trying to grab my hand with her paw/claws.

Some later time during the night – HOLYCRAPWHATTHEFUCK!!!! Why is there cold water on my head, pillow, bed, everywhere? 

The BF and I jump out of bed, and spot Cat2 sitting on the floor.  She proceeds to roll onto her back and look at us for tummy rubs.  We get up, try to absorb as much water from the bed as possible, and go get pillows from the boys’ room.  As we are mopping up the water we find little beads, I look at my wrist to see my bracelet missing.  We pick up as many beads as we can find, throw a couple more towels on the bed as a barrier to the still wet mattress, and try to go back to sleep.  A Cat2 immediately jump back onto the bed and snuggles and purrs, I half-awake pet her for a while, then fall back to sleep.

How I imagine the events transpired from Cat2’s point of view.

Hmmm, I think I need some attention, I’ll go wake up  mummy.  I love when she pets me like that.  Huh, she seems to have fallen back to sleep, I’ll claw at her hand so she understands that I wasn’t finished.  Oooh, a bracelet, let’s see if we can’t snap that off and play with pretty beads.  Well, done playing with the beads and it didn’t even wake her up.  What’s that? A glass of water on the nightstand, that ought to do the trick, I’ll just knock it over and the refreshing water will wake her up, She will surely thank me with belly rubs.  Oops, she doesn’t seem to happy about the surprise bath, oh well, she’s awake now, Ill offer her my magnificent belly for her to rub.  Why is she getting back into bed, my belly is unrubbed?  I’ll just climb back into bed with her.  There we go, she finally understood, more snuggles.  Well, I’m done, what’s Cat1 up to?

In case you are wondering, yes, this is the same cat from this event.